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How to Meet Others in Their Brokenness
She bursts through the door with a box of chocolate-flavored cereal and a scowl on her face. I’ve been her mentor for close to ten years, and she knows this is a safe place to show up just as she is.
Today there’s mascara running down her ashen skin, and she says she hasn’t eaten in days. She’s too sad. Some boy broke her heart, and there’s no going back after it goes down like this.
That’s what she tells me. I suspect they’ll be back together in less than a week, but I keep these words to myself.
She crashes onto the coffee-colored couch with the torn cushion covers and tells me the whole drawn-out saga while my toddler plays with bulldozers at our feet.
I say very little.
I nod and show compassion and speak just a few words of truth about how she deserves better. I could use the term “unequally yoked,” but I save that for a few years down the road when it might mean something to her.
Before she stands to leave, she reaches across the expanse of the couch and hugs me with her nose sniffling in my ear. “You’ve been so helpful,” she says.
I smile to myself. I’ve said very few words throughout our time together – just a few snippets of wisdom on the fringes of her tears. Mostly, she was the one pouring it out today.
Many people just need a place to show up and be loved.
It’s what my younger friend needed in the midst of her broken heart, and it’s something we all need: a place where we know we belong.
I don’t offer that place perfectly. I sometimes say too much or not enough. I show up with my own brokenness and my own wounds, and sometimes these hurdles get in the way.
But I keep showing up. I keep opening the door. And maybe this is why they keep coming.
Many people just need a place to show up and be loved. #beloved #belong @staceypardoe Share on X
I’ve been writing about hospitality once a month for the past few months, and I’ve been thinking about it almost constantly for some reason.
I’ve been thinking that true hospitality is about creating a space where others know they belong.
It might take place in your living room, but it can just as easily happen on a park bench, in a doctor’s office waiting room, in the checkout line at the grocery store, or in your office lunch room.
When we make our homes welcoming and people feel like they belong – like they are welcome – we have succeeded in the art of hospitality. But we succeed every time we open our hearts to others.
Hospitality is about opening your heart more than just opening your home. #hospitality #belong @staceypardoe Share on X
Hospitality is about opening your heart more than just opening your home.
When we open our hearts, we listen to others’ stories. We share our stories and our brokenness, and we talk about the ways we found healing.
In this process, doors open wide for us to share the stories about how Jesus healed us and how he continues to heal us every day. This is the greatest gift of hospitality we could ever offer.
Every time you open your broken heart to someone else, you lay another brick on the foundation of a path that has the potential to lead straight to the heart of the Savior.
As you aim to cultivate hospitality in your home and in your community, God will call you to open your hearts to the brokenness of others.
Here are some quick tips to remember while you minister to hurting hearts:
10 quick tips to remember when ministering to broken hearts. #brokenness #hospitality @staceypardoe Share on X1.Pray while you listen and ask for God to give you wisdom as you respond with compassion.
2. Be very careful not to act shocked by her sin or pain.
3. Share pieces of your story when you sense your friend is struggling with shame, but don’t try to one-up her story by sharing some terrible piece of your life that suddenly makes the moment all about you.
4. Listen to what her face tells you.
5. Act comfortable. People struggle to open up when they sense you are nervous or uncomfortable in any way.
6. Don’t slip into lecturing tone or anything resembling a rehearsed speech, and avoid clichés at all costs.
7. Don’t spew out Bible verses without first offering deep emotional sentiment and compassion.
8. Don’t say, “It was just a game,” “It was just a dog,” “It was just a boyfriend,” or anything else that minimizes her pain.
9. Don’t rush through an uncomfortable moment of emotion and brokenness to make yourself feel more comfortable.
10. Don’t try to fix another person in her brokenness or spend hours perseverating over how you might improve the situation. Simply show up, listen, aim to encourage, and pray.
~~~
My younger friend skipped out the door with her box of cereal and a lighter heart.
Her story isn’t finished yet, and neither is mine, and for this reason, I’ll keep meeting her in her brokenness, and I’ll keep letting her into my own brokenness.
This is where the truest kind of hospitality takes place.
For a toolkit of practical ways to extend hospitality in your life, click here to receive your free Complete Toolkit for Hospitality without Perfection. The kit includes twenty easy ways to extend hospitality, games, activities, recipes, conversation starters, and more.
Meet Stacey Pardoe!
Stacey spends most of her time playing in the streams of Pennsylvania’s forests with her two young children and handsome husband.
When she’s not in the woods, she can be found mentoring, leading Bible studies, and writing.
She writes weekly at www.staceypardoe.com.
Connect with Stacey below!
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Awesome Stacey, and thank you Rachel for sharing!! My favorite part: “I keep showing up. I keep opening the door.”
Thanks for reading, Brittany! Yes, so often, it all begins by simply opening the door!
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Excellent suggestions on how to be there in the moment someone has come to be themselves with you. I have been on both sides of the table and have not always done either side well. I want to and hope that God will be right there at the table guiding me, guarding my tongue, and loving us both.
Amen, Linda! I’ve been on both sides of the table as well. I love the thought of reminding ourselves to stay attentive to nudges from God and rely on him to guide our words and infuse our moments with love! It’s easy to get caught up in trying to “fix” problems or come up with our own human solutions.
What a wonderful series. I want to read those other posts on hospitality. I struggle in this area. Stacey, I love your tips and your beautiful writing!
Thanks so much, Valerie! Even though I’ve been writing on hospitality often lately, I really struggle too! It’s so easy to lose focus on why we open our hearts and our homes. I was thinking this yesterday as a half-dozen neighbor kids ran wild through our home with muddy feet. Sometimes hospitality is slow death to self, but it’s always worth the effort.
“Pray while you listen.” Sage advice!
I forget to pray while I listen all too often, Susan! It’s a wonderful opportunity to encounter God when I do remember!
These are great tips. I especially liked numbers 3, 5, 9, and 10. I really needed to see that today. Definitely saving for later. Thank you!
I’m so glad this spoke to you, Ashley! I need to remind myself of these things again and again!
That’s lovely. As someone who’s needed those listening ears often in this past season, and someone just learning what it means to be a safe person for others to share, this was helpful. The big breakthrough for me was to acknowledge my own brokenness as an invitation for others to do the same.
Thanks!
I’m with you! It’s not always the easiest thing to let others see our brokenness, but I find that God uses those vulnerable moments in the most powerful ways!
Wise and important ways to encourage others.
Thanks for reading, Debbie! May we speak words of truth and offer the compassion of Christ wherever we go . . .
Just listening can be the best gift we can give to another. Often just allowing the other to talk it out, they find their own ways to healing and moving forward! And pray! Yes! That is always the first step.
So true, Lynn! It’s so easy to dive into listening or advice-giving without praying first and then continuing to pray throughout the conversation!
Great post, it’s important many times just to be there to support.
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Jennifer
Some of the most blessed moments of my life have been the ones in which someone just showed up without offering all the right answers. Thanks for reading, Jennifer!
Great post and great advice. So often as Christians we rush into a conversation with our Bible verses and our band aids, expecting to turn the moment around like we’re starring in a Hallmark movie with only 90 minutes to get from broken heart to glowing face. Thanks for reminding me to lean into the long term listening and caring for another, even when I don’t have answers.
Thanks for reading, Michele! It feels so much better to my flesh to try to “fix” another person’s pain or problems, but more often than not, the deepest kind of healing happens when we pause to listen. I have to remind myself of this weekly!
Oh yes – so much more about opening our hearts than our homes! Both are good….but people really want a safe place for their heart.
Thanks for reading, Jennifer. And what a gift it is when someone creates safe space for our hearts. May we offer the same gift to others!
This is wonderful, Stacey. So good that I’m sharing! laurensparks.net
Thanks so much for the kind words and for sharing, Lauren!
I love your wisdom of hospitality, Stacey! Just being available is an immense gift that many people never receive. So valuable: “I say very little. I nod and show compassion and speak just a few words of truth about how she deserves better.” Blessings to you.
Thanks for these kind words, Lisa! May we be women who embody the hospitality of Christ, who created space for us to show up and belong in the throne room!
Very good advice, you can’t just spout Scripture at people without listening. Many times they already know it and can still be hurting.
Thanks for reading, Rebecca. I know I’ve been hurt when others have spouted Scripture at my pain, and even though I don’t always get this right, it’s so important to listen with empathy and not just all the right answers.
Awesome list! Listening is the greatest part of hospitality as well as chocolate, naturally. (: Great post, Stacy.
Indeed . . . listening and chocolate are about the best two gifts we can offer 🙂 Thanks, Sue!
Stacey – What wise words. I especially love the reminder we won’t do it right every time. I have been beating myself up over what I wished I had said last week.
Maree
I’ve so been there, Maree. It’s easy to say too much or not enough or say it all wrong . . . I trust that God can even use my botched attempts at loving others to minister to their hearts. I pray he is lifting your head with encouragement as well!
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